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How I Caught Your Mother (script)
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing. Script Red: *Opening Narration* I was 10 years old. On my birthday, my father gave me his old fishing rod. He said, *textbox* “Try and catch me, son!” and jumped into the ocean. I never saw him again. Old man: Ho-ho! Have a good day, thief! Red: I stole a man's bike in my grief. I rode for hours, trying to clear my mind. Right into a train. *MRRRREOW, Cut to Nurse Joy standing politely* Red: And that's why you should give me these Pokemon. Nurse: ...Uh-huh. Red: Come ahhhhhn. Nurse: Eh, fine, couldn't heal them anyway. *Walks away* Red: *Thinking* Heh-heh sucker. *Red enters a random house* Red: Hey, nice place. *Girl appears* Or it was. Hey, someone's robbing your house. Get out. Mom: *Looking around awkwardly* Um, actually, I stole this house first. Red: Like I said. Hurry before she kills you. Mom: Well, I was, *whispy* but then I raised a family. *Leads Red into the back* That's Mary. No one knows what she looks like. *Person sweeping, trying to shoo out Growlithe* Unknown Growlithe Hater: Get out. GET OUT! Mom: I don't know who that is. *Guy brushing a Vulpix* That's Jim, his Vulpix is dead, but don't say it out loud. Red: Living a lie, Jim! Jim: Alright! *Guy training Rattata* Mom: That's Dan, his Rattata ate his kids. *Slow creepy turn, quieter voice* And I am all their mothers now. Red: *Awkward pause* Count me in! Name's Red, Professional Orphan. Mom: Great! You saw our flier! Your pen is in the back, feeding time is when I feel like it. Red: No bed time?! This is awesome! Huh? *Sees Cubone* Mo-om! There's a dead thing in my room! I don't wanna clean it. Mom: Meet your brother, Spurdu! You're gonna have to share with him for now. Red: I share the air with the world. Isn't that enough?! Mom: Be nice to him, Red. Some poachers killed his mom volume 1. There weren't any witnesses, but I know what happened. *Flashback, Blue Rocket Grunt points dramatically* Blue Grunt: Stop THEEEEEEEEEM-uh! Cubone: *Gasping for air as he runs pathetically* Green Grunt: *Gasping for air* Agh! He's-! Too fast! *Marowak slams into them from the side* Green and Purple Grunts: AGH! Marowak: *Muffled, inaudible talking* Cubone: ...What? Marowak: *Angrier muffled, inaudible talking* Cubone: Uhhhhh, okay. *Runs away* Green Grunt: Hey, is that a grass Voltorb? *Explosion* AAAAAGH! Cubone: Huh? Oh no. Mom: *Narrates as Cubone stands immobile* Spurdu waited for the rest of him to turn into bones. Until your grandfather got loose and then very confused. Grandpa: *Bends down to Cubone* I do this every evening. I go out in the yard and hug whatever I find. Last night it was a bike. If there's nothing here I'll just hug myself. *Fade back into Red's determined face* Red: You're Spurdoomed... *Cubone looks surprised, cut to everyone in the lobby, Mom points at Red* Mom: Bang. Red: *Chuckling* I guess I'm dead! Mom: Off to the graveyard! And while you're there, can you find your grandfather? Grandpa: *Walking towards tower* I found a new place to hug. Brother: *In Red's ear* You gotta stop Grandpa. Red: Wugh! Sister: There have been rumors... A group of bandits have been disturbing the grave site... The spirits are angry! *Cut to man walking up stairs with bouquet* Green grunt: Hold it right there, old man! This tower is now under the control of Team Rocket. No boys allowed! Widower: Vanessa?! You're back! And you're prettier than before! Green Grunt: Too little too late! *Shoves guy down the stairs* Widower: AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up to them unharmed* When did you get your arms back? *Shove* AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up* This is only making me stronger! *Cuts back to house* Mom: *Nonchalant* Oh, that's just how they make Ghastlys. Sister: Red Brother, please be careful. I too went up the tower to- Mom: No! We're done remembering! Red will go up to the tower, find Grandpa, and bring him back. Is that all clear? Red: *Super dramatically* Pizza. *Pizza slowly slithers out of his mouth and splats on the ground.* Brother: ...He's got this. *Shot of Green peering in* Green: Hmm... If I can die before he gets there, I can haunt him as a Ghastly! Blue, you think of everything! *Cut to outside shot of the tower* Red: *Calling out* Hello? If there are any ghosts, I hope you're annoyed! 'Cause I'm comin' for ya! *Woman appears* AH! *Sigh of relief* Ah, Grandpa, so glad I found you. Tower woman: *Singing* V is for vampire, B is for butt. Gimme your money, I'll give you a hot dog. *Turns, eyes slowly shrink, camera zooms into the corner* Upstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaairs. *Cut to Green walking into a room* Green: That Red thinks he's so smart. When I outbrains him, I'll be Blue! *Sees stairs* Ha! I found you, stairs! Time to get to work! Heheh! *Cut to Team Rocket polishing their balls* Blue Grunt: *Still singing* Frieeends~! Did you ever think what our lives would be like if our careers had taken a different tuuuuurn~? Purple Grunt: *Irritated sigh* Green Grunt: Keep it in, Sam. He only wants to get a rise out of yo- Blue Grunt: WELL I HAAAAAVE~! Purple Grunt: *Fast and furious* YOU KNOW MY PARENTS WERE KILLED AT THE OPERA, YOU FUCK! Blue Grunt: Meowth! That's riiiiight~! Green Grunt: Cool it you guys. With these goggles, you might be able to see their ghosts tonight. *Pause* You look good down there. Purple Grunt: I don't know, man! Someone told me I'm scared of ghosts. Green Grunt: That was you, you idiot. Purple Grunt: Then I'm liable to believe them. *Cut to Red approaching stairs as Green goes running down them* Green: I FORGOT HOW TO FALL AAAAAAAAAGH- *Red catches him* Oof... Aww! My one shot, ruined. Red: Green?! Why are you still following me?! Green: *Pathetic* Psychic doesn't work on ghosts, so you couldn't read my miiind... Red: You can let go of me, Green. Green: *Whispers* Gotta catch 'em all... *Raspberries in Red's face, gets scared as Marowak's ghost appears* AGH! Marowak: *More muffled screaming* Red: What the hell is tha- Green: *Smacks Red in the face* It has a name! Red: *Offended* What is your problem?! *Takes out a pokeball* Eh, hope there's a gun Pokemon in here. Green: *Power walking away up the stairs* Yeah, maybe it's a Tangela, loser! I'm outta here! *Cut to Cubone trying to break out of its pen* Mom: No, no! Stupid, you use your hands to open doors, like this. *Cubone slams past her* Ah! Cubone: We're not gonna take it! *Cut back to Red, with a gun photoshopped into his hand* Red: Hey, there was a gun in here! *Fires gun, Marowak reforms, Menacing* That was just a warning. I meant to shoot that Pikablu. Marowak: *Muffled and angry* It's not real! Red: I didn't ask Pikayou! Green: Hey! Leave me to make all the good ideas! *Throws goggles, hits Red, gun misfires and hits Green* AAAGH! Red: AAAGH! *Cut to Cubone jumping up the stairs* Cubone: *Nasal panting, throws a grenade behind him* Mom: *Running and gasping, explodes* *Red puts on the goggles, Marowak appears* Red: *Gasp* I look stupid in these! Cubone: *Running up* Moooom! Marowak: *Heard clearly* Ahhh. My child. Have you armed the militia? Cubone: I did exactly as you asked! They're waiting your orders! Marowak: Burn them all. *Cut to Red looking at them still wearing the goggles* Cubone: Cubone! Cu, cu, cubone! Marowak: Wak! Marowak! Red: *Taking off goggles* Aww, he's wearing her face. *Cut back to Cubone and Marowak* Cubone: And we'll GRIND THEIR BONES INTO EDIBLE PASTE! *Cut back* Cubone! Cubone! Red: I'm gonna catch him. Marowak: *Starts floating off to heaven* Hmm? Oh, so much for that. I guess go be lame somewhere. Cubone: Aww, okay. Praise be unto you! *Cut to behind* Cubooooone! Marowak: I'm stuck on the ceiling! *Camera zooms out to show Green* Green: We all learned a valuable lesson today. Falling down the stairs is hard... unless you have friends. *Walks away, shot leg is squishing* Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow... *Cut to Rocket Grunts* Purple Grunt: ...Is the kink here? Green Grunt: Yes, yes, get in there deep. Blue Grunt: *Singing* But didn't we have a plaaan~? Green Grunt: Hold on. Hold on- oh right, right. Prick took my goggles. Red: *Tosses goggles back, confident* Here, have 'em back. Use them if you want; they won't help you see this coming! *Holds hand out and DBZ blasts them* Green and Purple Grunts: AAAAAGH! Blue Grunt: *Singing* AAAAAAH~! *Screenwipe to Mom holding up Cubone, fire embers heard off to the right* Mom: There~. You're never leaving the pen again. Cubone: I'll wear your skull next. Grandpa: *From a distance* Hello? Mom: Dad! You're okay! Grandpa: I just said I was a Ditto and shat myself. They wouldn't touch me! *Red walks up* Oh, another one? Red: Yep, I'm your new grandson! Grandpa: It's times like these that remind me of the meaning of life: outliving the dead. Mom: Let's get everyone home and back in their pens! It's mustard and yeast day! Grandpa: *Whispers* Ditto. *Wipe back to the house, guy in the back is crushing Rattata* Dan: Give them back! GIVE THEM BACK! Rattata: *In pain* RAA! RAAA! Red: So staying in Lavender Town has been fucking depressing. Grandpa: Now that's what I call a reason for you to leave! Red: Yeeeah! But I know what I want to do with my life now! I'm gonna be a Pokemon master! Grandpa: Not just a trainer? Red: I wanna rule them! Grandpa: Hmm, follow me. *Cut to Red sitting at a table* Grandpa: I want you to have these. I think they'll help you on your journey. *Sets down box and flute* Red: *Picks up flute* What are they? Grandpa: Help! He's robbing me! Red: Ah- what?! No I'm not! Grandpa: Police! Thief! *Wipe to Red on his bike, sirens blaring behind him as he's cycling away* Red: *Narrating* And thus I stole another bike. But this time, I was truly happy. 'Cause now I knew where I was heading. I'm going to Pallet Town to meet Professor Oak and steal his Pokemon! *Rides past Green in a tree* Green: Hey, Red! Red! I saw some Green stuff in the tree! So I went up to look, and to my surprise it was leaves, not me! But now it's me! *Red keeps riding* Red! RED!! YOU ARE BENEATH ME!!! ...That's okay. DaVinci learned to fly in one day. I just need to evolve. Think about flying. Tweet tweet. Hoot. I must mate. *Slips* AGH! *Crash* *Credits – Come and Catch Your Love* *Post-credits* Marowak: The strong will consume the weak! Cubone: Leave the weak to rot in the sun, as a warning to all who oppose you- *cut to Red* Cubone! Cubone! Cubone! Marowak: Marowak! Wak! Wak! Marowak! Red: Get in. Get in. Get in! Category:Episode Scripts